One of the pictures is of our bidet. If you're not familiar with what a bidet is, you need to Wikipedia that bitch. It's basically a contraption resembling a toilet and it's used to clean your private areas - basically like a big 'ol porcelein douche. I used it for the first time the other day. Yeah, um...yeah. I felt a little weird about using it just because it's technically not my house, therefore it's technically not my bidet. And that's a little gross to use someone else's bidet - like "Hey Mary, can I use those last couple drops of douche out of your douchesack?". But I used it. And it was....interesting. You sit on it facing the wall which is weird to begin with. Like imagine sitting on a toilet backwards and taking a shit - you'd feel pretty lame. So you turn on the water and then turn on another faucet that sprays the water up into your holes. At first I had it way too hot and I shot the water up my hoo hoo and it felt like my vagina was on fire. Once I got the temp at a desirable level, I turned on the faucet to almost-full-blast. Now if you turn this puppy all the way up, get ready to gargle with it because it's not playing around - it's pretty strong. So you sit there and let the water just go all up in your crevices and you kinda hafta rock back and forth so it's goes in your butt and your hoo hoo and on your other parts too. Then you just get up and dry off. I tell ya what, it looks super gay while you're doing it but that's like the cleanest my vaginal/rectal area has ever felt.
So feel free to use my bidet when you come to visit.
I'm loving city life. Well, except for the 45 minute drive to and from work - that's most certainly NOT fun. However, I've discovered the most breathtaking view of the city and here are the instructions on how to see it for yourself:
1. Take 85 south around 3:30 am.
2. Just as you cross under the sign for 17th Street - 1/4 mile, look up.
3. There it is.
No really, there aren't any other cars on the road and all the city lights are right there to greet you and it's just the most remarkable skyline I've ever seen. Pretty neat and worth taking a gander at.
What's up with all the people on bikes around here? Bikes and scooters. I need to get one apparently - probably a bike because scooters are flamingly gay in my opinion. People on scooters look like they're riding motorized wheelchairs. I just don't understand the appeal. I found this picture of a scooter with a toilet attached.
Find me one with a bidet and I'm game.
But seriously, everyone rides bikes down here so I think that'll be my next big purchase. I doubt I can commit to a bicycle helmet, though. They just look so dorky and I mean if I'm meant to die on a bicycle then far be it from me to stand in the way of destiny.
There's a really funny hobo that stands on the corner of Boulevard and Freedom Pkwy every afternoon. I just thought of that and felt the need to share. He stands out there with a sign saying "CANCER - PLEASE HELP". Sometimes he'll have Ding Dongs or canned drinks to sell - not sure where he gets those. I dunno if I'd have the courage to eat a Ding Dong that came from a hobo (there's a double entendre in there somewhere). One day he walked up to my car as I was taking a sip out of a cup and he did this funny "I'm drunk" gesture and then started breakdancing. It was very confusing but funny. I still didn't give him any money.
I'm sitting here waiting for our new dishwasher to be delivered. The people were supposed to be here between 8am and 10am. It's 10:07. That'd be cool if it were like the pizza thing - 30 minutes or less or it's free. Actually, I don't care if it's free because I didn't pay for it.
Okay, I'm shutting up now.
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